I'm at Starbucks. Yes, that's a photo from the photoshoot. Sorry. I don't have a picture to post, but I do have something to say.
I haven't been posting lately. Here's one of the reasons why: food issues. I have been eating atrociously. There are alot of reasons for this, and they tend to be woven together a bit like a cat chasing its own tail.
Here's a fact: I am slightly overweight, but as "normal" bodied as I've ever been in all my life.
I should be happy, right? Right. Except... sometimes I'm not. I fluctuate about 10 pounds and I'm on the high end of that spectrum right now, which puts me a solid 20 pounds overweight. Not cool and not healthy. I should be concerned because carrying that kind of weight is not kind to my body. However, my biggest issue usually lives with the way it makes me feel about myself.
When I weighed 343 pounds, I had much less issues with my self concept. Weird, right? Here's why. I knew back then that my husband wasn't with me for my looks and never had been. Now... well... it's more complicated. I feel incredible pressure to stay attractive for my husband now. He doesn't put that on me. I do it.
Today I weigh less than half what I once did. I can't really explain the number of issues that can create in a person. It's pretty vast and to understand how it's affected me you'll have to ready my book (yes, that was a plug), but I will tell you that it's affected my current marriage as drastically as it did my first. The difference is that this time, I'm aware. I'm awake.
With that said, I hope you didn't come to my blog looking for answers, because I don't really have them. I just have alot of questions. A professor once told me that the mark of a wise soul is when he realizes that he has many more questions than he will ever have answers. That's me, atleast the questions part.
How do you learn to be happy with yourself just as you are? And, how do you reconcile that with knowing you need to be healthier? I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you should just accept that 30 pounds overweight is who you are and not try to be healthier. I've come too far to pretend that's true. I like myself, but I have insecurities just like everyone else. Maybe more, thanks to my complicated body history.
In the midst of my dealing with this, I saw a preview for an episode of that reality show with that girl named Kendra, and she's dealing with the same thing. It's insane to realize a Playmate can deal with the same issues as me, a formerly obese woman writing in a Starbucks in La Mesa, California.
I suppose this is all just me thinking...
Do you struggle with your body image? Do you fret about the need to fit a certain image in order to keep or get a man? How do you create new and healthier habits that counter these dysfunctional ways of thinking so that you can become a better friend to yourself?
Lots of questions on this Saturday night...
xoxo my friends...