Saturday, June 19, 2010

Breaking Out: My First Bikini

That's right boys and girls...

Today, I did something monumental. I bought my first bikini at the age of 28.


I look alot more confidant than I actually feel, but do you know what I realized recently?

There might not be a tomorrow. Now, before you think I'm being morbid, let me explain.

Seriously, there might not be. My friend's recent death has reminded me that I live as if there are endless tomorrows. I tend to think that someday I'll be fit enough to run a marathan. Someday, I'll wear a single digit sized pair of jeans. Someday, I'll be thin enough to wear a bikini. The truth is that's not guaranteed. Only today is. And, do you know what else? Someday, God willing I reach that someday, I'll look back on the me RIGHT NOW and go, "wow. she wasn't half bad."

I know that because I do that now.

This was me in 2005.

(w/my niece Emmy)

A year later with my brother:

By this time, I'd like probably 60 pounds, but did I feel good about myself? nope.

Fastforward to 2007 when I moved to Cali. I was 201 pounds down here from the black swimsuit with Emmy above.



Smaller here than I am even now.

And, do you know what? I felt like a WHALE when I saw these pictures. Yet, I'm smaller there than I am now.

The way I feel has nothing to do with how I look. It has to do with my perception of myself. If I let myself, I'll always think I'm not slim enough, not tan enough, not pretty enough. I've watched my size 2 mother do this same thing to herself her whole life. I would love to have inherited her natural metabolism, her thing body, her pretty hair, but instead I inherited only her fears. And, I will NOT pass that on to my children.

Damn it. I am enough. I am not going to turn 38 or 48 and look back AGAIN and wish I'd just appreciated my body for what it does for me. It let me lose 201 pounds. It's withstood dozens of diets that utterly tortured it. It lets me exercise. It let me get married once when I shouldn't have, and then again when I should have. It deserves to wear a bikini even if my thighs still have loose skin, even if my stomach has about 20 pounds too much fat. Even if I have stretch marks.

Seriously, guys, I don't want to be that girl, who never appreciated herself or her body. I don't want to be the girl who never wore a bikini because she didn't have the perfect body. I want to be the girl who lived life despite her flaws.

So, Jasmine, shut up and rock it.



P.S. Gulp. I think that was one of the scariest posts I've ever written. :p

17 comments:

  1. Enjoy your bikini! Even more importantly enjoy your freedom! You are a brave lady and I am glad you are my sister. Now I need go and get one so I be like my big sister.

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  2. Jasmine your looking good. You look better in a bikini that I do. How have you taken the weight off?

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  3. I was that way too when I was my smallest. I was convinced I needed to be 125 lbs to look good. I got to 126.5 at my lowest and I never really felt good about myself. In fact there are so few pictures of me looking awesome because I was convinced I didn't.

    I still think I could be healthier, but I am happy with how I look and feel. And you're right, I am enough.

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  4. I ADORE YOU! I really needed to read this post today...so it served a great purpose for me. I have been feeling down, blue and defeated way too often these days! Time to take your advice and live for today! Love you girl...and let me say-YOU DO ROCK IT! You are so beautiful, inspiring and just simply amzing!

    <3 S

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  5. Great post! Always a good reminder to appreciate the present.

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  6. YOu Rock! Loved your post! I am up up up in weight and down down down in spirit! Thank you for your post. I hope I can grasp just a fraction of what you said and feel good about myself. One can hope! Hugs

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  7. Jasmine, I got chills several times through your post! You look fabulous in that bikini! Way to rock it!
    You are beautiful, smart, talented, you look great and should be so proud of who you are and what you've become. I don't know you, but I feel like I know parts of you, and girl, wear that bikini!

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  8. Great way to show your patriotic colors and your beauty. You rock that bikini ;)

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  9. I just bought my first bikini too!

    http://gamereviewwiki.com/bikinibirthday/2010/06/07/day-133-the-big-purchase/

    I am terrified to wear it on my birthday next month. Terrified.

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  10. You look awesome!!!!

    Jen
    http://jenslosinit.blogspot.com/

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  11. You rock! I loved this post--thank you for being so honest. I needed to hear this today.

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  12. You look gorgeous, and I think your great smile has a lot to do with it =]

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  13. You are so right.. perception is everything! I have a friend that is constantly complaining about her life.. and in my mind, I have the best life ever! Meanwhile, her house is nicer than mine, her husband helps with the kids more and makes more money.. her son is a straight A student, whereas mine struggles.. I mean come on lady!! LOL It's all about the thoughts.. I once read that you should weed your mind like a garden.. remove the negative and plant positive seeds.. ok sorry for the rant.. =]

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  14. Jasmine, you are very pretty and you look great in your bikini.

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