Today, I did something monumental. I bought my first bikini at the age of 28.
I look alot more confidant than I actually feel, but do you know what I realized recently?
There might not be a tomorrow. Now, before you think I'm being morbid, let me explain.
Seriously, there might not be. My friend's recent death has reminded me that I live as if there are endless tomorrows. I tend to think that someday I'll be fit enough to run a marathan. Someday, I'll wear a single digit sized pair of jeans. Someday, I'll be thin enough to wear a bikini. The truth is that's not guaranteed. Only today is. And, do you know what else? Someday, God willing I reach that someday, I'll look back on the me RIGHT NOW and go, "wow. she wasn't half bad."
I know that because I do that now.
This was me in 2005.
(w/my niece Emmy)
A year later with my brother:
By this time, I'd like probably 60 pounds, but did I feel good about myself? nope.
Fastforward to 2007 when I moved to Cali. I was 201 pounds down here from the black swimsuit with Emmy above.
Smaller here than I am even now.
And, do you know what? I felt like a WHALE when I saw these pictures. Yet, I'm smaller there than I am now.
The way I feel has nothing to do with how I look. It has to do with my perception of myself. If I let myself, I'll always think I'm not slim enough, not tan enough, not pretty enough. I've watched my size 2 mother do this same thing to herself her whole life. I would love to have inherited her natural metabolism, her thing body, her pretty hair, but instead I inherited only her fears. And, I will NOT pass that on to my children.
Damn it. I am enough. I am not going to turn 38 or 48 and look back AGAIN and wish I'd just appreciated my body for what it does for me. It let me lose 201 pounds. It's withstood dozens of diets that utterly tortured it. It lets me exercise. It let me get married once when I shouldn't have, and then again when I should have. It deserves to wear a bikini even if my thighs still have loose skin, even if my stomach has about 20 pounds too much fat. Even if I have stretch marks.
Seriously, guys, I don't want to be that girl, who never appreciated herself or her body. I don't want to be the girl who never wore a bikini because she didn't have the perfect body.I want to be the girl who lived life despite her flaws.
So, Jasmine, shut up and rock it.
P.S. Gulp. I think that was one of the scariest posts I've ever written. :p